Vestibularity & Deep Freedom

I decided to Jo in the rain.

I grabbed a quick bite to eat, and drove to the Eno River, an ancient waterway that runs through a few counties in the Piedmont of North Carolina. It is the initial tributary to the Neuse River, which ends its journey in the Pamlico Sound, which opens itself to the Atlantic Ocean. I parked my car as the rain began. I finished my breakfast, changed my shirt, and walked across the small lot onto a wooded path.

The trees provided a moment of respite from the downpour, but soon the leaves above began to gather the rain which then mingled into larger drops that rolled off the edge of the leaves and plopped onto my shoulders and hair. I walked to the end of the path into a clearing and was greeted by the waters of the Eno. I slipped off my water shoes and stepped into the cold river. The rocks were slippery and I almost fell. My left foot slipped to the right and my left arm shot immediately into the air as my right arm used my Jo to stabilize myself. I felt embarrassed, but quickly gathered myself and brushed it off. ‘It’s pouring rain out here,’ I thought to myself. ‘No one saw that.’ As I put my shoes back on, I saw across the river a pit bull terrier had seen me slip, its human not far behind. I decided to put back on my water shoes as I begun my practice.

Vestibularity is the human sense system of balance. This sense system operates internally through a complex system within the inner ear, which communicates to the system that controls eye movement. Externally the vestibular system sends signals to our muscles which allow us to maintain posture and the overall means required to enable us to maintain our position in space. This system teaches us how to be in relationship to movement in space, the power of gravity and yes, slippery rocks at the bottom of cold flowing water in the midst of a warm early summer rain.

But balance is the physiological and anatomical descriptor of the powerful function of vestibularity. Taken to its deeper meaning, vestibularity allows us not only to be in balanced relationship, but also right relationship to the living world of our lives. Case in point: over the last 18 months I have been on a journey towards righteous relationship with my own life. This has meant trying out a range of practices (ice baths, heat exposure, daily writing, centering, bodywork, prayer) that put me right at the boundary of possibility. One of those practices was a hypnotism session. Yep, I know how that sounds.

I decided to try this out at the recommendation of a friend, and went in with openness and some trepidation. In the interest form I shared that I was most interested in exploring and meeting with different aspects of my self, specifically meeting with the part of me that has struggled with exploring relationships in my life as mirrors to myself, as opportunities to learn about myself. And overall- I wanted to become familiar with the energy of my ideal life companion.

I definitely did not want someone waving a pendulum in front of my face, controlling my movements as I slipped into an abyss of paranoia (Get Out). But this was not that. My practitioner explained that the process involves guiding me into a deep state of calm, focus and receptivity. It would be from that place that she would facilitate an inner dialogue between myself and my self. We dove in.

The first portion of the visioning was focused on recharging in a peaceful place. My mind went directly to an experience I had earlier last year of walking up the side of Acatenango volcano in Guatemala. It was early morning, and a fog enveloped the first leg of the hike. I could feel the dew graze my lower calf muscles, I could smell the volcanic soil and feel its soft and fine crunch under my shoe with each step. I felt warmth in my heart, an ease of presence, an ease of spaciousness. I felt held.

We came out of that focusing and moved to meet a part of myself that was struggling with life companionship. My practitioner asked me to describe this part of me, and I shared that I was struck by the kindness in his eyes even though he very much seemed to be in bewildered state. I could tell by being with him he didn’t want to be alone, and that his energy and presence was like a bright light that had been haphazardly hidden. This part of me, which I called the Shroud, seemed to have been the lone survivor of a slave ship that crashed against a rocky and rugged shore in the midst of an intense lightening storm. He seemed shaken, like he hadn’t had time to understand and accept what had happened to him. He wanted accompaniment. And now I was there with him. The Shroud needed closeness, embrace and touch. And when I offered this to him his eyes widened. The simple act of accompaniment, of being in reverent relationship, offered the Shroud new perspective on what he'd been through and its relationship to the here and now. My practitioner asked me what the Shroud appreciates about who I am in the present, and I said he appreciates my willingness to accompany him in his misery and misfortune without that needing to mean I fix the broken ship, or revive his lost loved ones, or bring an end to the storm. Just being in the midst of it all together was enough.

We came out of that focusing and moved to the final area, me meeting with the energy of my ideal life companion. My practitioner was clear that this was not about learning who she is, but is more about becoming familiar with the energy of this persons presence. The point of this final round was to accept that what I sought also lived within me.

After some minutes of silence, my practitioner asked me to describe that energy. What came to me was the grandeur of the cosmos, a feeling of complete captivation, an inspiring & radiating & brilliant presence. A presence that was dynamic, flowing and audacious. I shared that I felt dazzled, the feelings that were arising were basically ineffable. I had a felt sense that I was in the presence of something profoundly historic and consequential. I felt it in my beating heart, down the back of my head and neck. I felt a shiver down the body that emanated from the upper back and which then moved down and out. I felt warmth in my inner thighs. I saw bright vivid colors, almost like a nova, something extraordinarily luminous. And whatever I saw wasn’t proving itself, it was simply there. It sounded like a hush harbor hymnal, a liberatory choir, an ever rising chorus, an up-tempo gladness. At one point I got lost in it - in the rapture of love, being called up and beamed up into higher levels of awe and generosity, surrendering to it, embracing it, it embracing me.

And slowly that focus ended and I came back to present time with my practitioner. She encouraged me to be with the energies of the mountain side, of the shipwreck, of the rapture of love. All things I had searched for in a life companion. All of which live and reside in me. I was already alright.

Vestibularity is indeed about the anatomical, physiological and biological relationship to balance. But taken to its extended conclusion, it allows for us to be in reverent relationship to the universe that resides in us. It allows us to be in righteous relationship with the slippery path we must walk, the foggy mountain we must climb, the soaked embrace of grief in a storm, the freedom to love our lives so completely that everything we do is simply an obvious extension of that love.

The deep freedom of vestibularity.

note: This is the final part of a 4 part series about my exploration of different human sense systems and their relationship to what I call deep freedom.